“So, someday do you think you might take out the trash?” I remember my husband pointing out that I was a passive-aggressive communicator when I said things like this early in our marriage, and I honestly didn’t know what he meant. I thought I was just asking a question! But what I was really trying to say was, “You said you would take out the trash. It’s full. It’s time. You need to do it.” I just wasn’t clearly saying it that way.
We all have patterns of communication that we fall into, especially when we’re tired, frustrated, or under stress. And when we’re living with the ongoing demands of parenting a child with a disability, it can be even harder to communicate with the people we love in ways that help us stay connected.
This week on Take the Next Step, Katie and Steve Gohde shared practical ways to communicate more clearly and kindly in marriage.
1. Recognize the patterns we fall into under stress.
When we feel overwhelmed or frustrated, we often return to familiar ways of communicating—passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive—even when those patterns keep us from connecting with the people we love.
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2. Practice clear and kind communication.
Assertiveness isn’t the same as aggression; it’s about communicating honestly and clearly while holding the other person in high regard, even when the conversation is difficult.
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3. Pause to consider what matters most.
Instead of reacting out of frustration or avoiding discomfort, ask, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be in relationship?” or “What is the most important thing to communicate right now? Am I being honest? Kind? Can I make eye contact?”
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4. Circle back when we get it wrong.
We won’t always communicate well in the middle of stress and chaos, but we can return to the conversation later, take responsibility for our words, apologize, and share what we wish we’d said differently.
“‘Practice makes perfect’ is not a real thing, but practice does make progress.”
“What’s the most important thing that you want to be able to get your spouse to understand? …And how can you say it in a way that doesn’t hurt them?”“Do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?”
Hear more from Katie and Steve:
Communication Skills Every Marriage Needs: Disability + Parenting
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Amy Julia Becker desires to challenge assumptions about the good life, proclaim the inherent belovedness of every human being, and help us envision and build a world of belonging where everyone matters. Amy Julia invites people to reimagine the good life through her writing and speaking on disability, faith, and culture. She is the author of several books, including To Be Made Well, White Picket Fences, Small Talk, and A Good and Perfect Gift. She is a guest opinion writer for national publications and hosts two podcasts: Take the Next Step and Reimagining the Good Life. Becker is a graduate of Princeton University and Princeton Theological Seminary (MDiv). She is a member of the Disability Ministry Network and the Alliance for Disability Justice and Ethics in Reproductive Genetics. She lives with her husband and their three children in western Connecticut.
