I remember being at a retreat where there were a lot of children present who were around the same age as Penny, our daughter who has Down syndrome. I spent most of the weekend in a place of darkness in my soul because I was comparing Penny’s abilities to the abilities of the other children. I ended up distanced, isolated and separated because I was filled with judgment and jealousy. And I didn’t like that at all.
I realized the problem was not what Penny could or could not do. The problem was not what these other children could or could not do. The problem was in how I was constructing identity.
Many of us construct identity based upon ability, achievement, and appearance.
We ask each other questions, like, “What do you do?” In the disability world, we sometimes ask whether people are high or low functioning. We tend to rank and rate ourselves according to ability and achievement.
When Penny came into our life, I discovered that I was constructing identity through comparisons.
If we construct identity based on ability, it will lead to judgment and jealousy and insecurity and isolation and separation and all the rest.
But what if we construct our identities based on belovedness? What if we begin to believe that we are beloved as we are and we don’t have to prove it through our abilities? I discovered that constructing identity on belovedness moves us away from judgment and jealousy and into a place of compassion and celebration. It brings us together and builds us up.
I moved from the question, “What can she do? to “Who is she?”
This mindset shift (I talk a lot about this in my workshop) changed our family life. We are beloved. Before we’ve done anything right, before we’ve built any achievements, before we’ve received any awards, we are beloved.
MORE WITH AMY JULIA:
- Workshop: Reimagining Family Life with Disability
- Book: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny
- Free Resource: Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome
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