My life is messy right now. I can’t keep up with laundry or groceries or deskwork or email. I’m late on sending my sister a birthday gift. I’m late on buying a graduation gift for William. As you can see by the photo of my desk, the piles just keep piling. The books just keep coming. The list of things I need to do but don’t want to deal with just keeps adding up.
I find myself in this place on a pretty regular basis. I know—Maycember is real and I am in it and it is only just beginning—but still, I get to a place of overcommitting myself and not getting all the things done that I want to do and beating myself up for it over and over again.
My friend Patricia listened to me fret about this situation last week. She commented that I am incredibly capable when it comes to organizing my time. She’s right. I use a weekly planner where I set goals for the week and map out the days hour by hour, and I generally abide by said goals and maps and get a lot accomplished. I have a calendar in my head that extends twelve months in advance. And yet I also often feel really anxious about time and getting things done.
It’s a superpower gone awry. I’m a Jenga-master when it comes to slotting tasks into their proper place on the calendar, which apparently makes me even more susceptible to shock and dismay when the tower eventually comes tumbling down. As it does. Regularly.
Patricia then said, “You know, the things that we are really good at, we are also tempted to be god of.” Boom.
I am tempted to think that I am the god of time, that I can control time, and that I can master time. When, as inevitably happens, I discover otherwise, I fret at best and despair at worst. Patricia’s words named something true, and they invited me into a new place. What if, instead of fighting and controlling time, I surrendered to time? What if, instead of relying on my own expertise to order my days, I invited the Spirit to lead and guide me, especially when the interruption comes? What if I slowed down a bit? What if I let go?
My desk will probably look and feel messy for a few more weeks, as we head into end-of-the-year track meets and alumni weekends and graduations. My hope is that I will receive the mess with grace for myself and that I will say yes to the invitation to walk with the one who moves at the pace of patient and steadfast love. So I’m starting my days with surrender. I’m opening my palms and telling God about all the things I have planned for the day ahead and asking for help when those plans get interrupted or undone.
You might not have the same relationship with time that I do, but I wonder whether there’s an area of strength in your life that also causes you repeated stress. Maybe you can join me in being curious about what happens when we stop controlling and start surrendering in that area. Maybe we can both say yes to being limited humans and learning that amidst our limitations we live in a world of abundant goodness and grace.
SUBSCRIBE to my Substack newsletter: amyjuliabecker.substack.com
JOIN the conversation on Instagram: @amyjuliabecker
LISTEN to my podcasts: amyjuliabecker.com/shows/
CONNECT on YouTube: Amy Julia Becker on YouTube
