Last week, I was packing up for the fourth of four speaking trips in a month when my mom called to say she wouldn’t be able to come stay with Penny that evening. My dad had bursitis in his knee, and he couldn’t walk. Mom’s visit was a bonus, not a necessity—Peter was coming home late that night, so Penny wouldn’t be alone in the house. She’s capable of staying by herself, making a plan for her afternoon, getting dinner together, and so forth. I found her a ride to ballet, so at least she’d interact with a few people that evening. Still, I felt a little twinge of regret that she would be alone for hours again, that I was going away, again.
Later that night, our family received a video from Penny. She said, “I only have four minutes to eat my dinner before ballet. Only four minutes! But I wanted to tell you guys that I just made my first ever ballet bun.”
She moved the camera to show us her hair, pulled back in a ponytail and secured with bobby pins and a hairnet. And then she said, “Yes. I just made my first ever ballet bun without any help.”
Penny has danced for eighteen years.
I’ve been putting her hair in a bun for most weeks of most of those years. Penny hasn’t ever even attempted to learn how to do it herself. So this little moment signaled more than beginning to acquire a new skill. It signaled a sense of confidence in her ability to try new things, to learn and grow. And, as a consolation and a bit of a challenge to me—if she hadn’t been there all alone, she wouldn’t have even tried.
I want to support Penny in all the ways she needs it. And I need to be wary of providing too much support and impeding her growth.
After I heard Penny’s story, it seemed especially fitting that I was leading a group of parents of children with disabilities through a Reimagining Family Life with Disability workshop the next day.
We talked about both embracing limitations and exploring possibilities. We talked about the zone of proximal development and the dignity of risk. And we talked about delighting in our kids as a foundation for our family’s awareness that our children matter in and of themselves, and they matter to this world.
We don’t always have something quite so specific as a first-time ever ballet bun to celebrate in our family. But we can always find something worthy of gratitude and delight, if we are looking for it.
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