This summer, I spent a lot of time with families experiencing disability, and again and again, parents told me they feel lonely and disconnected. Sometimes, the biggest need we have is relationships. But how do we actually start building honest, deep friendships? Here’s some guidance from Kevan Chandler, coauthor of The Hospitality of Need.
1. Examine your posture toward your own needs.
How you view your own needs shapes how others see them. Ask yourself:
- Do I see my need as a burden or an obstacle?
- Or do I see it as an opportunity to connect?
Sometimes friendship begins when we invite someone into our need. It’s an act of openness that reminds us relationships aren’t one-sided. They’re spaces of mutual care.”
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2. Start small. Start with just one friend.
You don’t need a whole community right away. Start with one person. Kevan says:
“When I moved to Indiana, I had one friend. A few weeks later I had a second. And then it grew naturally.”
Deep connection grows slowly, and often, when we nurture that one relationship, others will follow in time.
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3. Take the risk.
Not every attempt at friendship will work out. Some people may misunderstand, and some relationships may not grow the way you hope. But the rewards are worth it: mutual care, support, and meaningful companionship.
Take small, intentional steps, even if it feels uncertain:
- Ask for connection
- Normalize your needs
- Lean into the relationship you have without pressure
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4. Invite, don’t just ask.
Kevan frames it beautifully: think of your need as a house and your invitation as…
“Let’s walk into this together.”
Friendship begins when we share space—shoulder to shoulder—rather than simply requesting help. Seeing need this way turns it into an opportunity for genuine connection.
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5. Lead by example.
For parents, modeling this openness matters. When you invite friends into your life, you show your children what mutual care and authentic relationships look like. They learn that friendships are built on presence, invitation, and shared life—not just convenience or obligation.
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There’s more from my conversation with Kevan on Take the Next Step: “The Hospitality of Need: Disability and Interdependence with Kevan Chandler”
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