• All is CALMish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays by Niro Feliciano
• Subscribe to Amy Julia’s Substack newsletter: amyjuliabecker.com/subscribe

__

WATCH this conversation on YouTube: Amy Julia Becker on YouTube

SUBSCRIBE to Amy Julia’s Substack: amyjuliabecker.substack.com

JOIN the conversation on Instagram: @amyjuliabecker

LISTEN to more episodes: amyjuliabecker.com/shows/

Note: This transcript is autogenerated and does contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.

Amy Julia Becker (00:06)
Hello friends, I’m Amy Julia Becker and this is Take the Next Step. This is a podcast for families experiencing disability. Here we have teamed up with our friends at Hope Heals to bring you weekly conversations with fellow parents, therapists, and disability advocates. We’re talking about practical ways to cultivate a thriving future for the whole family. Here at Take the Next Step, we see your family as a gift to our society and to your local community. Your family matters.

Your child matters. We need you among us. Today, I’m joined by my good friend, author and psychotherapist, Niro Feliciano. If you are a parent who wants to delight in this holiday season, but also feels a little bit daunted by what is ahead, this conversation is for you. We’re going to talk about how to ask questions that lead towards healthy decisions for yourself and your family. We’re also going to talk about what to do in the midst of the

inevitable moments of hardship and overwhelm. Niro Feliciano is a psychotherapist and an expert on anxiety, stress, and relationships. She’s the author of two books, including a very newly released one called All Is Calm-ish. Niro is a frequent guest on The Today Show. She is a first generation Sri Lankan American and lives with her family in Connecticut. She’s also one of my oldest and best friends, and I’m delighted to share her wisdom here with you all today.

Niro Feliciano, is really good to be here with you today.

Niro Feliciano (01:42)
always good to be here with you.

Amy Julia Becker (01:45)
So I’m really excited to introduce the listeners of Take the Next Step to you and your work. This is our final episode for 2025, and you have just released a book called All is Calmish, How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays. So on the one hand, I love that title. I’m also thinking about parents of kids with disabilities and how they might feel like, okay, that is like a beacon of hope and impossible.

Like there’s no way for us to feel less frantic and more festive during the holidays. So maybe we could start there. Like what does it look like to actually hold on to hope and live within realistic possibilities during a holiday season?

Niro Feliciano (02:22)
Well, the title came from how I feel all the time, calm-ish. People ask me like, how are you? I’m like, good-ish because there’s always two sides of it. And that’s what I’ve realized. You can really have both. You can have this crazy chaotic life and you can have moments of peace within that. You can feel really sorrowful and disappointed and still yet experience some joy. It’s never one thing.

And I do think we can hold them both together even during the holiday. So I think that’s to say, even for most people I know, it’s never just one. Even the people you see on social media or whatever who are living their best life, so to speak, curated, it’s never joyous and glorious and wonderful. There’s always the both and of life situations.

I think you can have some, also acknowledge that the other part is very real and a part of everyday life as well.

Amy Julia Becker (03:25)
So how do like expectations and like realistic possibilities fold in to what you just said? It kind of the experiencing the both and and not just being disappointed all the time that the holiday is not going the way I wanted it to.

Niro Feliciano (03:40)
I mean, this is a big piece of the book for anyone, but especially if you have children going through something, and Amy Julia, you know I had a child going through something pretty serious when I was writing this book. I think we have to look at, what are our expectations that we would love if this could be possible, right? And we can hold on to those thoughts and those dreams and those desires, but then take a real look at our life and…

say, what is right for this season of my life right now? Because maybe some of those things were workable at a different time in life, but we have to re-examine those expectations every single holiday because our life looks different, our kids look different, our needs might be different. And then I always like to say, what is going to actually be doable in this season? What do I think is going to be doable? But I have to leave room for the fact that life can be really unpredictable.

You know, and I don’t have control over all of it. And in those cases, can I give myself grace to say, you know what, it’s okay. This might be for later, but not, not for now. And still look at the things that we can do given our life situation. So expectations are always a piece of whether or not we feel disappointed or not, or whether we can get to a place of contentment. And I think taking a real look at what is right for.

me, what is right for my family, what is right for my child in this moment right now makes a difference in how we’re going to move through it.

Amy Julia Becker (05:12)
I think I’ve found over the years, as you said, there are different seasons for being able to actually accomplish things, both in terms of the age of my kids, the needs that they have, ⁓ and my own hopes and dreams. ⁓ But I need to recognize that I have carried with me from my childhood experiences that I really want to give to my kids. And that’s not a bad thing, but it might not actually be possible right now. And then

I carry with me the images that I get online where I’m like, my gosh, that’s the most beautiful X, Y, or Z. That’s the most fun, you know, holiday game. I have to go purchase it. And trying to actually reel myself back in and say, okay, what really matters about what this season is for our family? And can we, not just I, can we accomplish that ⁓ rather than taking it all on myself and thinking that I just have to make it happen?

Niro Feliciano (06:04)
That’s right. And we are influenced by all those areas that you described, whether it’s social media and we see other families. Maybe even families look a lot like ours, do certain things that we think is possible or things that we’re carrying from childhood. And I think part of what has to happen as well is maybe we can’t have that exactly what it looks like, but can we have a variation of that? So, you know, I know

There are many families whose kids can’t sit through a whole holiday movie. It’s tough for them, right? Yeah. And yet they have this idealistic image of movie night and RPGs and drinking hot chocolate, and that may not be what our family can do. So can we have a part of that? Maybe we sit down for five minutes and watch a movie and then we do something else that may be more peaceful and calming for our family. potentially we can have

aspects of it. It doesn’t have to be the whole thing to still be good. know, good enough is a phrase that I use a lot in the first book and this book. Can it be good and is it enough? It doesn’t have to be exactly the way we envisioned it, but it might be good enough.

Amy Julia Becker (07:13)
You know, I’m thinking back to my own early days as a mom where ⁓ Penny is our oldest child, as you know, and has Down syndrome. And ⁓ she was like incredibly frightened, like really deeply frightened of Santa Claus for a very long time. And I never kind of ⁓ really acknowledged that. I mean, I’m not even kidding. There was one time where my husband was dressed up as Santa Claus.

And Penny was so scared. She was really little. ⁓ And her dad is sitting there being like, Penny, it’s me. It’s your dad. And she’s like, I don’t understand. This is so scary. And I look back on that and I’m like, why did we not just say we can take a break from Santa? We don’t have to go to that part of the party or to that party or, know, they’re just kind of I feel like in those moments that were hard, I wish I had had the wherewithal to pull back a little bit.

ask some other people for help, brainstorm a little bit about like, there another way to do this? And I just kind of plowed ahead ⁓ and really made it happen. And I’m not sure I needed to do it that

Niro Feliciano (08:20)
I think this happens to all of us and part of it is we have this fixed perception of what it should be like and what it’s going to be like. And we’re fixed on that outcome. Yeah. And we’re trying to make the whole process move towards that outcome no matter what. But I think number one, parents, when something happens that is unexpected, I like to say expect the unexpected. So maybe it doesn’t catch us off guard so much, although it still does. ⁓

Just stop and take a deep breath in that moment. Just breathe and calm yourself in that moment. I know it’s hard when kids are flailing and they’re having accidents, but think for a moment, okay, what would be the healthiest thing to do right now? And even that question, the healthiest thing for my child, the healthiest thing for me in that moment, and then take the next step towards that. And I think if we can reframe the question like that, I always say we have to get away from what’s normal.

Because especially as a therapist, I can tell you what’s normal is not healthy a lot of the times. Everybody might be experiencing this, but it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. And healthy is going to vary depending on what your family is going through in that moment. And maybe they haven’t been through in the past. So I think if we can let go of outcome and try and just be as present as we can in that particular moment, we’re going to find the right course of action.

Amy Julia Becker (09:45)
I appreciate that very much and yeah, do wish that I’d had a little more wisdom, but I’m gonna give myself a lot of grace with that as I look back on it all.

Niro Feliciano (09:53)
We all

do it. Like every parent has done that. You know, every parent has done that.

Amy Julia Becker (09:57)
push through rather than what are we doing? And I love your question about healthy instead of normal. I’m thinking also one of the things we talk about a lot on this podcast is starting with delight rather than deficit in disability families. there’s often a sense of like what we can’t do or what’s not happening as opposed to like really embracing a season of delight and the delight that is present in our families. just doesn’t.

always feel that way. So I’m curious, you write a little bit about delight. Do you have any suggestions on what it might look like in this season to delight in our families right now?

Niro Feliciano (10:31)
think they’re in the micro moments, in the small moments, delight. And for me, I even think about it now because as I’m parenting all teenagers, you have to look for delight sometimes because it’s very unpredictable. You know, I see these kids’ mood change. I mean, like the weather in New England, it is so fast. But sometimes I think if we can work on our power of observation.

and just observing the world around us in these moments. The things I now write about in my gratitude journal are, the moment where the kids were on the bed with me, you know, and we were just enjoying just a moment together. And maybe it lasted all of 45 seconds, but they were there. Or the way that one of them laughed in the kitchen, you know, when we were trying to get dinner together after a crazy schedule of whatever we were doing. There are micro moments. And I think

The more we work on just letting go of what it should look like in these situations, especially during the holidays, and look at, where is the beauty right around me right now? What can I delight in right now? And maybe for you, it has nothing to do with the family, but it’s like, hey, I had five minutes to drink a hot cup of coffee. I’m going to delight in that right now in this moment that I did not have to microwave this morning. Those kinds of things can bring delight too. And what I’ve found is

If we are intentional, for me, what that took was writing it down every day, literally starting a practice where I would write a bullet point. It would take me five seconds, but I would look for it. What happens in our brain is we train it to look for those moments. If we have that accountability of writing it down. And now, I mean, am months into this practice. I literally look for it. And if I look for it, I will find it because it’s there. So.

I really believe that’s possible for everyone is to look for those micro moments of delay.

Amy Julia Becker (12:32)
I love that. Thank you. I’m curious about like the overwhelm, which is maybe the opposite of what we were just talking about. I think for families, disability, not delightful, not delightful ever. And I feel like sometimes the holidays feel like all of the hard stuff from the rest of the year is just on steroids. And so it’s only harder. And we’re supposed to be pretending to be delighted, you know, and joyful in the midst of it. So I’m wondering if there are ways we can like resist or reframe the sense of just being perpetually overwhelmed.

Niro Feliciano (13:02)
Mm. So that is so true on so many levels. And I think because we’re seeing all these images of the world being joyful. I mean, we have a freaking song, Joy to the World, right? And we’re putting the reality of our real life up against those images every day constantly that we’re being bombarded with. It makes it so much more evident when we’re not feeling joy or we’re not feeling delight. But I think one, remind yourself like,

this is actually real life. It’s real life. And joy does not have to look like it does in the Hallmark movies. It really does not. And you and I talked about before we got on this podcast, a chapter that I have in the book called Miracle and the Mess, where if we go back and we look at that first Christmas, it was actually far from delightful. mean, with the idea of being nine months pregnant and getting on a donkey for days, I’m just like,

God, was this really the way? Couldn’t you given her a little bit more leeway there, right? If you look at all the things that went wrong, all the expectations that were not met, that was what Christmas was about. That was the lead up to the miracle of Christmas. And even in that, where they found delight were things that were really unexpected, right? It was the appearance of the angels and the song.

and the beauty of the stars that night. And those are things that I think we can find. So looking at the things that can help reduce our overwhelm, one is changing the expectation as we talked about, but two, music. Is there music that can lift our spirits? Is there beauty in nature that we can find in those moments? And all those things we know even neurochemically are designed to calm our nervous systems.

So tapping into those, and there’s so many more suggestions in the book that we can explore right now, but they are there if we look for them.

Amy Julia Becker (15:02)
Well, I love that you kind of have two parts to that answer. And one returns us on like essentially the ⁓ spiritual level of really looking at Mary as a parent of an unexpected child, which many of us in general have. And especially if we are parenting someone with disabilities that we were not expecting, we have this model of someone who knew that hard things were coming.

and also treasured what she’d been given. And that life in the mess and the overwhelm is very much a part of the story of this season. If we let it be, I think that’s heartening. And then there’s some kind of practical steps we can take that are not quite so abstract. And one of the things that came up for me when I was reading your book, I actually I guess this is two. One is the idea of kind of starting with the non-negotiables. Like, what are the things that really matter to me? ⁓ And on the one hand, you know,

I might say something like sending out a holiday card. Like that’s a non-negotiable for me. But really even that it’s like maybe I ask one more question. What is it about doing that that feels non-negotiable? Because, you know, sending it to 500 people might not be the non-negotiable. Feeling connected to some group of people might be what I’m really getting at there. And so starting there and then trying to let go of the other expectations or at least prioritize them was one thing that

was helpful to me in reading your book. And then the other was just saying, OK, what are the non-negotiables and where can I ask for help in achieving those? know, again, maybe it’s like it’s really important to me that my kid who is not afraid of Santa Claus gets a chance to see Santa Claus, but the one who is gets to stay home. That’s right. That might require some help. Like, I can’t literally be at the mall with one kid and at home with the other one at the same time. And that doesn’t mean this is impossible.

but it does mean some other people might need to be involved in making it possible.

Niro Feliciano (16:59)
That’s right. And that also requires letting go of, our whole family needs to do this in order for it to be joyful. When really that doesn’t have to happen that way. And I think that question that you posed after, what is about this? What is it about this that makes us non-negotiable? Helps us let go of the kind of just barreling forward with that outcome in mind and stopping to think about, okay, what is healthy? What’s healthy about this? What do I want out of this? What is the need underneath the action?

in that moment. The other thing I just want to point out too, because we’re talking about reading a book during the holidays to people who already have enough to do. And I just wanted to say it was written to be five minute reads a day. So it’s a 31 chapter that you read over a month. And the goal with that is to give people a little bit of calm, a little bit of reflection for five minutes a day to get through the whole season. So I didn’t want it

to sound like, here, I know you have so much do and you’re overwhelmed and then read a book on top of that. Yes, I know.

Amy Julia Becker (18:03)
Let’s do more. Yes.

Well, is. even like, know, because we are friends outside of this podcast and have been for a real long time. So I also know the story of this book and the fact that it really was because of you recognizing the limitations of a season in your life that this book came out a year later than expected. Will you just talk a little bit about that? Because I just think it might be helpful for some parents who are listening to this and who are like, I just can’t get it all done.

Yeah, and and yeah, could you just tell us that story?

Niro Feliciano (18:33)
Yeah.

And you know, it’s, love telling this story because I know the reality of who I am in my life and so does my family. And that is not someone who just crushes it across the board. And it appears that way when people look at my life. And that year, my youngest daughter, Carolina, who is now 12, got very sick with anxiety and a phobia to the point where I didn’t know if she was going to get out of bed that morning. I didn’t know if she was going to go to school or stay in school the whole day.

I didn’t know if it was going to take me an hour and a half to get her in the building because she didn’t actually go to a class for months. I just tried to get her in the building. And that also meant I didn’t know if I could work that day, let alone write a book. And when we’re constantly in this place of uncertainty and fight or flight, our rational thinking centers, our capacity to think clearly gets greatly diminished, let alone be creative. So at a certain point, I knew that this child one was not going to get better without me.

And she’s a priority because in every other area of my life, I’m replaceable. They can replace me on the Today Show in 2.2 seconds, but this was the place where I am not replaceable. And one thing I’ve always said to myself through my parenting journey is if I make the things that are most important to God, important to me, God will take care of all the important things. And for me, that’s always been my family and my kids over anything else. So I spoke to my editor and I was like, look,

I’m not going to get this book out on time. And you know how this is. We have contracts. ⁓ Many publishing companies would have canceled that book right at that point. And so we can’t do this later. And she was so gracious. She said to me, I think everything happens at the right time and nothing is wasted. And we will push this out of here. And let me tell you, that was one of the worst things, seeing her go through that, seeing your child, a version of themselves that you’ve never seen before.

where they’re losing their joy and they’ve lost their light is one of the most painful things you can witness as a parent. But we also saw some of the qualities in her that actually are going to make up who she is for the rest of her life come out that year. It was that unexpected in that situation. I learned that she has such a compassionate heart and she actually has

a gift for working with other kids with disabilities because that’s what we did when she was not able to go to class. They paired her with kids who had disabilities in the school and that became her motivation to go to school every day. And I do think that is something that is going to be a big part of her future and her identity. We would not have ever discovered that unless we had gone through that time. So even in the midst of it, like I say, look for the unexpected, look for the ways that God is showing up for you.

those moments you feel stressed and overwhelmed. And I held on and I still do to the verse in Romans 8 28 that God will use all things for good, you for those who love him according and are called according to his purpose because I told Carolina at one point, you know, maybe actually the book was supposed to come out this year and maybe you’re the reason that God will bless us in that way, ⁓ ordaining the right time for it.

and using everything that you went through. And she’s in the book and I’ve talked about her story so much. So that is the backstory to why it came out a year later.

Amy Julia Becker (21:59)
Thank you and I know it’s sometimes so much easier to live our lives when we can look back and say look it all worked out but for many of us when we’re in the moment we have there is just a degree of trust and of making some decisions about as you said What I’m gonna do is say she is more important than this book and I don’t know how my editor is gonna respond and I don’t know what that’s gonna mean for my paycheck and I don’t know but I do know that she is Needs me right now and I can’t be replaced. off I go. So

As we come to the end of our time, I’m curious if there’s anything, ⁓ know, two or three small steps. That’s one thing we talk about again here is like small, as you said, five minute things we can do that actually make a meaningful and manageable change. And so I’m curious if there are any, I know you’ve got about 700 in this book that are. So if you want to highlight a few of them as we come to a close to make our holiday season less frantic and more festive.

Niro Feliciano (22:54)
Well, I’ll tell you two things that I do now regularly during the holidays that I’ve made a part of allowing myself to prioritize my joy. And one, that is because when we authentically feel peaceful or joyful, everyone around us will pick up on that and it will affect them too. We are the emotional barometers for our households. I’ve known that. And that’s saying if mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy is true.

Amy Julia Becker (23:22)
You

Niro Feliciano (23:22)
It’s true. And it doesn’t take long. I’ve found, again, like I said, these micro moments, right? Micro moments of joy too. I find five to 10 minutes somewhere in my day, maybe when kids are home, when they’re not home, but wherever it’s quiet, it might even be in my closet some days, where I just sit and do my devotional, you know, a reflection. What I try and do during the holidays is I sit by some part of my house that’s decorated.

that has lights because there’s something about that that really warms my spirit. And I just take that five to 10 minutes for me. It may be just ⁓ taking a nap for 15 minutes, a power nap somewhere during the day if I’m tired, recognizing that and say, me care for myself. And the other thing I do is I try to make it intentional that I connect with other people here and there. And that doesn’t take long. I’ve given up the big holiday party. I can’t do it anymore.

Our life is too crazy, nor do I enjoy it like I did. But I try and put a coffee date on the calendar somewhere. Or I say, let me go take a walk with this person. And again, that might require help ⁓ in managing some of the parenting tasks at home. But it’s so important that we give ourselves that ability to prioritize our joy because it is so healthy for us to be able to take on this marathon because it’s not a sprint.

but also everybody around us will begin to feel it more authentically too. So the little thing.

Amy Julia Becker (24:53)
Yeah, I think about ⁓ just and kind of wrapping up even this whole conversation, that idea of like healthy as ⁓ a way to be asking questions. Healthy for me. Is it healthy for our family rather than is this what everybody else is doing? Is this, you know, normal? Is this kind of the ideal, but rather just like, is this healthy? And ⁓ and if it’s not, well, I’m to let it go.

So thank you for so much of this wisdom. And again, I’m really grateful for your book and for all of the things you had to offer here today.

Niro Feliciano (25:29)
Well, thank you for letting me share it with all of your people. And I am praying for a very healthy holiday, and I’m talking spiritually and emotionally, ⁓ obviously physically, but certainly emotionally, because that makes a huge difference in how we experience it.

Amy Julia Becker (25:47)
Thank you.

Thanks so much for joining me here at Take the Next Step. This show is produced in partnership with our friends at Hope Heals. Hope Heals is a nonprofit that creates sacred spaces of belonging and belovedness for families affected by disabilities to experience sustaining hope in the context of inter-ability communities. This is the last episode of this season of Take the Next Step. We will have new episodes coming out beginning on February 4th.

In the meantime, you can always go back and listen. There are some other great conversations over the course of the past couple of months, and I would love for you to benefit from the wisdom of those people that I got to talk with as well. If you want to continue right now to think with me about family and caregiving and disability, you can subscribe to my Substack newsletter. I write each week about disability and family, faith, and culture. We’ll put a link in the show notes, or you can go to amyjuliabecker.com.

Also, as we get to the end of this season, I would love for you to follow the show. If you do that, then it’ll just automatically pop back up in your feed in February. It’s also really helpful if you rate it or review it, and more people will just know that it’s out there and we want this resource to be available to families who need it. You can always send questions or suggestions my way. There’s a link at the end of the show notes. Send us a text. Or you can email me.

at amyjuliabeckerwriter at gmail.com. And finally, I want to thank Jake Hansen for editing this podcast and Amber Beery, my assistant, for doing everything else to make sure it happens. I hope you leave this time with encouragement to start with delight, connect to community, and take the next small step toward a good future for your family.

Take the Next Step is produced in collaboration with Hope Heals. Hope Heals creates sacred spaces of belonging and belovedness for families affected by disabilities to experience sustaining hope in the context of inclusive, intentional, inter-ability communities. Find out more about our resources, gatherings, and inter-ability communities at hopeheals.com. Follow on Instagram: @hopeheals.