Years ago, one of our kids came home from preschool and said, “She cries a lot and doesn’t share her toys.”

Our child were talking about a classmate who had a disability. I was tempted to jump in with “Be kind. Be a helper.” But I paused. I didn’t want to reinforce a hierarchical relationship where our child was always the helper and the other child was always the one needing help.

Instead, I asked:

“What have you noticed that’s hard for her?”
“What’s hard for you?”
“What do you think she enjoys?”
“What do you enjoy?”

That simple conversation shifted perspectives.

It wasn’t about one child always helping another. It was about understanding each other and recognizing that each of them had gifts and needs.
Too often, when kids are praised for playing with peers who have disabilities, the message becomes: You’re doing something noble.

But that praise builds walls—creates hierarchies—rather than cultivating friendships and relationships of mutuality.

True friendship isn’t built on pity.
It’s built on mutuality:
Each child with needs.
Each child with gifts.
Each one learning from the other.

Simple conversations and questions can help our kids see every peer as fully human. Not a project. Not a hero. Not a pity story. Kindness isn’t about always being the “helper.” It’s about being in relationship.
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There’s lots more in my conversation with Heather Avis!
S8 E20 | The Lucky Few: Finding Delight and Belonging in Disability with Heather Avis

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