“Big kids, big problems.” I’ve heard the phrase for years, and I’ve been a little dismissive of it. I love having teenagers. I love the conversations we have about current events. I love sharing podcast recommendations and cooking together and traveling and talking about relationships and just watching them put down their roots and grow into themselves.

But as I spent yet another middle-of-the-night anxiety session circling around my different fears for each of our kids, I realized how easy it would be to spend the next few years (the next few decades?!?) worrying about them. I could worry about their eating habits—too much, too little? Whether or not they will be abused in word or action by friends or romantic partners. Whether or not they will even have friends or romantic partners. Whether they will know how deeply valuable and beloved they are. Whether they will let their own inherent light shine bright in this world or whether it will be darkened by social pressure and insecurity and anxiety.

One thing I’ve learned about myself in the past year is that sometimes I need to decide not to worry, and as I tossed and turned yet again—on vacation, no less—with anxiety, I realized that this is one of those moments. Of course, by deciding not to worry I want to remain engaged and responsive. Just not anxious about all the things I cannot control, even if somehow the anxiety gives me an illusion of control. Just not someone who deceives herself into thinking that if I fret enough, they will be okay.

For me so far, this decision not to worry starts with prayer. I asked God to show me ways to pray for each of them—to give me words and images that I can hold in my heart as they emerge into this beautiful, broken world. And I also asked God to care for them and protect them. But deciding not to worry doesn’t mean deciding not to care. It’s still my job to listen, to show up, to ask them questions and give them guidance. Deciding not to worry means becoming responsive instead of reactive, grounded instead of spinning, present to their needs rather than controlling their behavior. So, yes, big kids, big problems. Those problems will invariably lead me to big worries. I’m still learning how to turn from big worries to little prayers over and over again.

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