I mentioned to Peter the other day that I do not know the path ahead. Am I going to write another book? Should I double down on taking classes for ordination? Do I want to let go of goals for the summer and just be with our family? I don’t like the insecurity and uncertainty or not knowing what is ahead.
He replied, “You haven’t known the path ahead for most of your adult life. And look at the path you’ve made.”
I look back on these past two decades, which were, as he said, filled with uncertainty and instability. And also filled with growth and opportunity and so much gratitude for all I have been given along the way.
When I was younger, I knew the path of expectation. The path that led to getting good grades and accolades and getting in early to college and achieving no matter what the cost.
But I began to reject the path of expectation when I started prioritizing people over getting A’s on all my assignments even when I was in college. And then again when I decided to go into ministry instead of pursuing a PhD. And again when I chose to work part-time as a writer.
The path of expectation was straight and clear. Like a smoothly paved highway with tall concrete barriers on either side. Fast and efficient.
The path I’m walking now winds through a forest. I can never see more than a few steps ahead. There are flowers and rivers and ferns and every so often a flash of beauty that stops me in my tracks. It is slow going and surprising and feels shaky a lot of the time.
I sometimes long for the highway of my own making. But I am also grateful to keep walking this uncertain path, trusting that God leads and guides us into beauty and truth, with love.
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