What do we do when we’re preoccupied with ourselves?

November 21, 2025

If you’ve been around here for awhile, you probably know I think a lot about what makes life good and what gets in the way of that goodness. This week I talked with my friend Sharon Hodde Miller, author of Free of Me and the new devotional Gazing at God, about something many of us ask:

What do we do when we’re preoccupied with ourselves? Here are practical invitations drawn from our conversation…

1. Name the False Self and Return to the True Self

One of my favorite moments in our conversation was Sharon’s simple definition:

When you walk into a room…

• The false self is who you think you need to be to belong.

• The true self is the one who knows you already belong.

The false self performs, protects, hustles, and impresses, while the true self rests in the voice that said to Jesus, before he did anything, “You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.”

Ask yourself in new situations:

“Who am I trying to be right now?” Am I performing? Or am I showing up as the person God already loves?

2. Notice Assumptions.

Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves aren’t actually true, and it’s helpful to pay attention to our internal scripts. When there’s a gap in information, we rarely assume the best, and if someone seems rude or distant, we often jump to the conclusion that it’s about us.

Try this…

Notice: I’m assuming this is about me.

Acknowledge: I don’t have all the information.

Maybe it isn’t about you at all. Maybe this person is having a hard day. Naming that possibility can bring surprising relief.

3. Receive Your Limits as Invitations, Not Failures.

Sharon said, “Your body is a gift to be received.” And your limits? They are invitations to rest, to relationship, to dependence, to belonging.

As I say often: limits are not the same as brokenness. Limits are part of being human. They invite us into connection and interdependence. They invite us into love.

There’s more in my conversation with Sharon!

Reimagining the Good Life podcast S9 E4 How to Break the Self-Improvement Cycle with Sharon Hodde Miller