As humans, we need to know that other people delight in who we are. Psychologists tell us it’s a core need, and they say we actually can never have too much of it. We are designed with a need to know that other people delight in us.

As parents, we have the opportunity to delight in our children. I first learned the importance of delight with our daughter Penny, who has Down syndrome, but it is equally true with all three of our kids. It’s so easy as parents to become frustrated with our kids. And it’s easy to see their areas of weakness and think it’s our job to correct or strengthen those areas. Often, if we focus on those deficits we start a cycle of irritation and an experience of mutual failure. Instead, we can focus on who they are, which begins a cycle of mutual enjoyment.

So what does it look like to delight in our children?

When I was a kid, my grandfather was the one who delighted in my presence. When I walked into a room, his arms opened wide, his face literally lit up, and he welcomed me with a greeting like, “Hello, beautiful!” followed by an embrace and a sincere question about something that mattered to me. That brief but regular interaction gives such a beautiful guide to us as parents in how we can delight in our kids.

First, we can demonstrate delight through our faces. We literally smile at them and in their presence.

Second, we show delight through our bodies–we open our arms, we receive them into our laps when they are little and onto our shoulders when they are big.

Third, we delight in them with our words. We name the things we love about them. We say their names with warmth.

And finally, we demonstrate delight through our attention. We pay attention to what matters to them, to what they care about, and to how they receive love.

We can build a foundation for them that says they matter for who they are, delightful, beloved. And the cool thing is, it is delightful to delight in other people. We get to experience the delight we offer to them.

MORE WITH AMY JULIA:

• Free Resource: From Exclusion to Belonging
  (a free guide to help you identify and create spaces of belonging and welcome)

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