We now officially have three teenagers under our roof. Which means we have lots of pop music playing at all hours. And we go through more snacks than we do fruit, or chicken, or yogurt. And Peter and I get a lot of looks that we interpret as, well, surly.

So far, I have three responses to the one-word answers to open-ended questions and the blank stares or rolled eyes I often get from one or all of our children:

1. Be the Grownup

My job is still to be the grownup. The biggest challenge—and most helpful advice I can offer—is to stay myself. Don’t match their energy. Don’t mimic their emotions. Be the grownup.

2. Ask Questions

When I’ve asked seventeen open-ended questions that have all received a one-word answer, I tell them it is now their turn to ask a question.

3. Be Together

And I remind myself that simply being in the space together—the drive to school, the dinner table, the bedtime check-in—is enough. It tells them that we are here if they ever decide it’s time to speak up. 

And, every so often, they do speak up. And every so often they do climb up on the couch next to you and lean in close and just stay there, like a little child who needs a mom. And then I remember that it is my job for them to learn how not to need me so much, and it is my job to encourage them to spread their wings, and it is my job to always offer a safe place to return.

MORE WITH AMY JULIA:

• BOOK: Small Talk: Learning from my Children About What Matters Most
• Down Syndrome, Teenagers, and Holy Limits
• Emotional Lives of Teenagers

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